you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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