All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
