My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
