Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Randomize
