There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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