omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Randomize
