toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
