You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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