It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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