She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Randomize
