Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
