Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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