i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
