There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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