Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
