you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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