is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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