im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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