are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
