So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
