I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
