last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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