I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
