my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
