Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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