hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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