apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
