I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
