i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
