My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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