i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
