Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
did you just send me my own nude
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
