I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
