I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
