The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
