"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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