Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
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