all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
