just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
