20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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