The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
