i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
