Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
what day is it and did you see me today?
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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