I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
