I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
