She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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