Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Randomize
