I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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