I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
