What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Randomize
