and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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