you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
