She just used a chaser for red wine.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
